Invader Zim's Guide to the Galaxy
by Leftomaniac
Summary: ...Done... When Earth is destroyed by the Vogons, Zim, Dib, Gaz, and GIR join up with Invader Skooge to get a new one!
1. Prolouge

When I thought of this idea, I giggled for an hour straight. No own. I think you might still enjoy this even if you haven't read HHG2G, and there are several explanations for your veiwing pleasure:c)  
  
I think it's pretty clear who's who, but just in case, here's the cast list:  
  
Ford Prefect: Zim  
Aurther Dent: Dib  
Tricia McMillian aka Trillian: Gaz  
Zaphoid Beblebrox: Invader Skooge  
Marvin: Invader Skooge's SIR  
Slartibartfast: Noogums aka Shnooky  
  
GIR isn't really anybody, I guess he could be Colin, but since Colin dosen't show up til the last book, he's just GIR. Maybe someday I'll also write The Moose Room at the End of The Universe, Life the Universe and Stuff, So Long and Thanks for all the Piggies, and Mostly Armless:c)  
  
The events are the same, but the characters still act like themselves, so SOME events had to be changed. It's also written partly in HHG2G style, but I fall back on my own style a LOT:c)  
  
And I know I should wait 'til I finish WFA, but you can't make me, nyah, nyah, nyah! ...I'm actually working on a zillion different things, fic and non-fic, and try as I might, I can't stop myself from starting new ones (hence this). My updates might end up coming farther apart, then again, I've said that before and been wrong, so who knows?  
  
----  
  
It was another ordinary day on the little blue planet located on the slightly more unfashionable western spiral arm of the galaxy. Well, actually, it was a day which was anything but ordinary, in that it was the last day per se that the planet in question was to have. But that seemingly vital fact went unnoticed by the many ape-desended creatures, as well as the two non ape-decendants currently residing there. In fact, it is at the house of these two latter creatures that this particular story begins.  
  
"Oh *zark*..." Zim said, facing the monitor. "Vogons. First the Planet Jackers, now this! What is it about this planet that makes everyone want to incinerate it?"   
  
He glared at the screen for a second longer. There was a Vogon fleet headed straight towards earth, and based on what it was equipped with, there was no doubt that it was planning demolition. Zim stood, and leapt from the hovering red platform into the gaping vacancy below. Rather then making a very unfriendly encounter with the ground, however, he landed calmly on a second flying platform seconds before what would have been his demise.  
  
"GIR! We have to save the earth again. Vogons are attacking, with their filthy hands! GIR? GIR, where are you?"   
  
Zim touched down in the Voot Runner bay, (A/N: I know, it's a Voot Cruiser, but I like Voot Runner better, so nyah, nyah, nyah! I be quiet now.) And gasped in horror. There, in the center of a pile of metal, wires, and rubber piggies, was GIR. The most disturbing thing about this spectacle was the distinct absence of a Voot Runner.   
  
"GIR..." Zim said in a voice much more patient than his facial expression would imply, "What did you do with the Voot Runner?"   
  
GIR held out a lever, which had a large, round handle at the top "I gots a lollipop!" he reasoned. Zim's eye twitched.   
  
"GIR... am I too understand that THAT," he indicated the pile of wires and metal "*was* the Voot Runner?"   
  
"Maaaaaaybe..." GIR said, sucking his 'lollipop.'   
  
Zim sighed, and was suddenly knocked over as his house shook. "Oh NO!" he cried, running off down a long tunnel. GIR followed.  
  
Emerging outside seconds later, Zim looked at the sky. The hideous yellow, lumpy Vogon ships were already hovering just over the horizon.   
  
"People of earth, your attention please. This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic hyperspace planning council" came a voice, "As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require a building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition..."   
  
"Zarquon..." Zim muttered as the voice continued, "It's already starting!" he paused long enough to be knocked over by GIR who had just run out of the house, and in to him. Dusting himself off, he continued. "And there's no time to repair the Voot Runner! Well, fortunately, and Invader is *always* prepared!"   
  
He reached into his backpod and pulled out a squat black rod. Ignoring the panicking throngs, he pressed a button on the side, and he and GIR disappeared. He had used his electronic thumb, the second most important tool to any interstellar hitchhiker. He was off the planet. He was safe. He knew where his towel was.  
  
A few minutes before all this commotion occurred, a dark, not very stealthy figure was lurking just outside the perimeter of the previously mentioned house. This was not an unusual occurrence, as the figure, more commonly known as Dib, spent a fair deal more time lurking, creeping or slinking around this house then he did lurking, creeping or slinking around his own. As the disgusting looking Vogon fleet filled the sky, he was, to say the least, surprised. Due to the fact he associated all things alien with Zim, he turned to the small green fellow, and saw him take out a squat black rod. Immediately, he rationalized that Zim must be controlling those ships via that rod, which he took to be a remote, in what would be a brilliant piece of deduction were it not for the fact that it was completely wrong. As he saw Zim reach for a button, no doubt controlling the earth... blowing-up... weapons, on the ships, Dib ran to knock it from Zim's hand, and disappeared.... 


	2. Vogons Make Good Housepets

Zowies, I'm on an uploading ROLL! And yes, by the way, I saw BOTP, I know-- Well, for the sake of not spoiling it for those of you who HAVEN'T seen it, I know some stuff that would make future chapters impossible. But I got this idea BEFORE seeing BOTP, so suspend disbelief, k? No own.  
-------  
  
Dib woke up to total darkness, and extreme pain. He felt dizzy and nauseous, and had a throbbing headache.   
  
"Where is it???" he heard an unmistakable voice mutter irritably. There were some crashing sounds, and he heard the voice say "Finally."   
  
Light flooded the room, and, half-stunned, Dib surveyed the squalid surroundings. Squishy, grayish mattresses, unwashed cups, and alien underwear littered the cramped, dingy cabin, which was also grey. In fact, besides himself, there was only one non-grey thing he noticed, it was green, and it was looking very unhappy at this moment.   
  
"You!" Zim shouted.   
  
Dib's shock dissolved into familiar anger. "Where have you taken me Zim??" he demanded.   
  
Zim glared even harder. "I didn't take you here! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be dead!" This did nothing to calm Dib.   
  
"Ha!" he said, "Well then looks like I've foiled yet another of you stupid plans, Zim!" /Without even realizing it./ he added silently.   
  
Zim couldn't help but grin, not that he was trying not to. "Pretty small victory, human. I hate to tell you this- well, actually, no I don't, but your stinking planet has been demolished." Zim threw back his head and laughed. GIR, who until now was quietly sucking on his 'lollipop' joined in.  
  
Dib looked shocked, then angry. "Another trick, Zim! And I'm not falling for it! You couldn't blow up the earth if you had a big... blowing up.... thing!"   
  
Zim frowned angrily. "Yes I could! But in this case it wasn't me, it was-" Zim was cut off by a series of howling, gurgling sounds coming from a loudspeaker.   
  
"What's that noise?!?" Dib cried, alarmed.   
  
"Hello Mr. Noise!" said GIR.  
  
"Silence!" Zim yelled, "The captain of this disgusting vessel must be making an announcement, I need to hear this."   
  
"Vessel?!?" Dib cried, "You mean we're on a- a-..." he paused, then screamed.  
  
Zim growled at Dib, then, without explanation, pulled a small jar out of his backpod and clamped it firmly on Dib's ear. This caused Dib to scream even louder, and claw at his head in a panic. He punched and kicked in Zim's general direction, but the Invader stayed firm. Finally, Zim withdrew, and after another few seconds of scrabbling, Dib realized he could now understand the strange noises coming from the speaker. Calming slightly, he listened.  
  
"Finally..." muttered Zim. (A/N: Didn't read HHG2G and wondering what's in Dib's ear? Scroll down until you see this: *****)  
  
What Dib heard was this:   
  
"Message repeats. This is your captain speaking, so stop whatever you're doing and pay attention. First of all, I see from our instruments that we have a couple of hitchhikers aboard. Hello, wherever you are. I just want to make it totally clear that you are not at all welcome. I worked hard to get where I am today, and I didn't become captain of a Vogon constructor ship simply so I could turn it into a taxi service for a load of degenerate freeloaders. I have sent out a search party, and as soon as they find you I will put you off the ship. If you're very lucky, I might read you some of my poetry first."  
  
"Yaaaaay!" GIR squealed. Zim sighed and shook his head.  
  
"What was THAT?" Dib asked quietly. Faintly, the stamp of heavy boots was audible behind the door. Quickly, it began to get louder and louder. Zim unfolded his metal legs. Dib suddenly wished he could do that, he didn't exactly feel secure at the moment. The door burst open and Zim sent himself hurling over two of the most ugly creatures in the Galaxy, while GIR ran headfirst into one, knocking him over. In the few seconds in which they were distracted, Dib took the opportunity to go darting through thier legs. Zim retracted his legs and hit the ground running, and Dib kept pace just a few steps behind him.   
  
Frantically, they raced randomly through the maze of corridors, equally unfamiliar to both, GIR giggling happily behind them. Alarms went off and more and more Vogon guards joined the chase. The trio darted away from them easily, being much more agile than any Vogon, but they were beginning to swarm. As the mob of guards began to close the distance, Dib spotted an open door in an otherwise dead end. He veered towards it, and Zim, with no other place to go, followed, with GIR behind. They leapt in and the door closed behind him. Over the loud noise of the door clicking into place, Dib thought he heard the laughter of the strange aliens outside. The room was small, and totally dark, and it didn't take long for Zim to figure out why.  
  
"Dib, you moron. That was the airlock."  
  
------  
  
*****(The thing in Dib's ear is called a Babel Fish. According to the HHG2G, "The Babel Fish is small, yellow and leechlike, and probably the oldest thing in the universe. It feeds on brainwave energy received not from it's own carrier, but from those around it. It absorbs all the unconscious mental frequencies from this brainwave energy to nourish itself with. It then excretes into the mind of it's carrier a telepathic matrix formed by combining councious thought frequencies with nerve signals picked up from the speech centers of the brain which has supplied them. The practical upshot of all this is if you stick a Babel Fish in your ear you can instantly understand anything said to you in any language." ) 


	3. Reunited! Well, Not Yet

Mysterious Mysteries is officially the best episode... IN ALL THE LAND!!!  
  
Here's the chappe where you find out what happened to Gaz, (that was how I planned it anyway) And meet Skoodge and his SIR!  
  
No own. And it's a very creepy coincidence, I HAVE read LOTR, and Gollum is my favorite character! How did you knoooow? *pause* A SPY! *chases after Invader Zin*  
------  
  
It is a well known fact that if you get a good lungfull of air, you can survive in the vacuum of space for about thirty seconds, which is good to know if you're in the habit of doing that sort of thing. Zim and Dib had between them, four good lungfulls (well, breathing apparatuses anyway) of air, but it wasn't likely to do them any good, as the odds of being rescued in that span of time, when the infiniteness of the universe is considered, are astronomical.  
  
This happened to be a very lucky day for both of them.  
  
Seconds later, if you were looking for them, you would find them gulping air on what was, to all intents and purposes, a gigantic mound of Jell-O. GIR, who obviously didn't need air, was sitting beside them, squeaking a toy moose in their respective faces.  
  
"What... happened...?" Dib gasped.  
  
"We... were... picked... up... you... stupid... stupid... human..." Zim panted.  
  
Dib frowned, but his frown changed to a look of confusion as the ground under his feet began to curl upwards, flinging him painfully onto Zim.   
  
"Get your human filthiness off of-- Aaaaaa!" Zim said, before the square of ground beneath him shot upwards depositing him hundreds of feet in the air, and then retracting, leaving Zim inexplicably hovering. "THIS SHOULDN'T BE!" he cried.   
  
Dib snickered at his rival's position, until his head began to drift away from his body. "Hey! This isn't funny!" he called, chasing after his freakishly large head. An ocean drifted by above them, and several pink fish walked across a bridge.  
  
"Wheeeee!" cried GIR, dancing on a hovering sphere with several giant floating hamburgers.  
  
"Two to the power of seven thousand to one against and falling." A familiar female voice pierced the havoc.   
  
"What was that?" Dib asked, reattaching his head, which had shrunken to half it's normal size. Zim was entangled in a massive net of seaweed that had appeared out of nowhere and would have been too distracted to respond even if he knew.   
  
"Two to the power of eighteen hundred to one against and falling." The voice continued. "Two to the power of ninety to one against and falling. Twelve to one and falling. Five to one. Four... three... two... one. We have normalcy, I repeat, we have normalcy. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem." The insanity faded, things returned to what passed for normal. They were now in a smallish, nondescript white room.  
  
Dib's first and only thought at the moment was how much the voice had sounded like Gaz. Of course, that made no sense, and it was so garbled anyway, it could easily have been a mistake. He dismissed it, there were more pressing matters to deal with at the moment.  
  
"What's going on? What was that voice? Why were fish flying over my head? Why, why why???" he cried, nearing hysterics.  
  
"That was a side effect of the infinite improbability drive," Zim explained condecendingly, desperate for Dib to shut up, "It uses improbability circuits to move through space, so you can go anywhere as long as you know just how unlikely it is that you will actually get there." Dib blinked.  
  
---Meanwhile---  
  
On the bridge of the Heart of Gold, a ship that happened to be equipped with an infinite improbability drive, and that happened to be the ship that Zim, Dib, and GIR were on, Gaz switched off a microphone purposefully. It was completely unnecessary to do such a mundane task purposefully, but a full-time gamer like Gaz does everything purposefully.  
  
"Thanks, Gaz." Invader Skoodge, one of the shortest Invaders in Irken history, said gratefully.  
  
"Whatever. Don't say I don't earn my keep here." Gaz replied, walking into the next room where a gigantic screen and a complex controller awaited. She sat down and began playing Blam Blam Blow Stuff Up. "You know," she said, distracted, "I really wish we could get a visual on those two things we picked up. I have a weird feeling about them." (A/N: Yessss, you like how ooc that was, don't you?)  
  
Skoodge raised his nonexistent eyebrows. Gaz almost never spoke while gaming, besides threats of what might happen if he didn't leave her alone. "I... guess I could send the robot to get them..." he said with mild unease. Gaz shrugged.  
  
"SIR!" Skoodge called, "I've got a job for you!"  
  
The little red and white robot, who until now had been sitting in a corner, sulkily burning a hole through a nonessential piece of machinery, lifted his head with greatly exaggerated effort. Slowly, he stood, being sure to move just in the right way to make several loud creaking sounds, just to make a point. Painfully slow, he trudged across the room to the impatiently waiting invader. "Yes, my master?" he asked, with just a hint of sarcasm.  
  
"I need you to escort the two hitchhikers we picked up to the bridge." Skoodge said simply, hoping futilely the robot would comply without a fuss.  
  
"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed." SIR said, not seeming to even hear the order.  
  
Skoodge placed his upper lip over his lower one, in an expression of frustration "Can you just DO it without any fuss?" he asked.  
  
This seemed to only make things worse. "Can I do it? Can I do it? Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me if I can baby-sit two hitchhikers on the way to the bridge. Why do I even bother with it all? Oh God I'm depressed."  
  
"SIR ... That is an order." Skoodge said firmly, his tone bordering on threatening. SIR fixed a hard look on him for a moment, then turned and walked out the door. "Zarking robot..." Skoodge said, trying to hide the trace of a smile that was crossing his lips.  
  
---Meanwhile---  
  
All argued out, and both with one or two small bruises, Zim and Dib sat at opposite ends of the room, glaring at each other, while GIR serenaded them with the Doom Song. Dib opened his mouth to say something, but whatever he was going to say would be lost to the ages, for at that moment a door at the end of the room slid open and an infant-sized figure stood silhouetted in the doorframe. Zim immediately recognized it as a SIR, Dib was simply struck by how similar it looked to Zim's robot, which meant only one thing in his mind.  
  
"Ha! I knew you were behind this Zim!"  
  
"Shut you filthy stench hole! ... Though this must be of Irken design. Of course, who else could build such an AMAZING ship? That means we're safe. Or at least *I* am." Zim added.  
  
"If you two are finished with your pointless bickering, I'm supposed to escort you to the bridge. Though if you want to sit around and chat a while longer, I'll be more than happy to tell them I found you both dead." The SIR in the doorframe droned. Zim was more than a little surprised, he had always known SIRs to be respectful and energetic. Then again, maybe this was a new, or advanced model... though surely not as advanced as GIR. The SIR turned solemnly, and Zim and GIR followed. Dib stared for a moment, then, shrugging, went after them.  
  
-------  
  
Now, that thing you're feeling now is what we call "confusion", but don't worry, the next chapter will detail how Gaz got there, what happened with Skoodge and Blorch, and where they will go next. (though if you've read, you know the last one:c)  
  
Also, I've figured out a way to get over the BOTP issues, but I can ONLY use it if I continue to The Moose Room at the End of the Universe, straight on to Mostly Armless, or at least Young Skoodge Plays it Safe. That, combined with the fact that I have the COOLEST idea for Agrajag, makes it likely for the series to be continued:c) Skiya! 


	4. WARNING: Do Not Stick Your Head in a Pig

I have an excuse for this chapter taking so long, I've been away the last week or so. Now, for this chapter to make sense, we'll have to assume a coupla things:  
  
1. Although BOTP showed us that all Irkens are aware of the truth about Zim's mission, it's still possible that someone like Invader Skoodge would be in the dark about that, among other things.  
2. BOTP *also* showed us that there are things *besides* height that determine Irken rank, because there were Irkens who were clearly either soldiers or civilians that were taller than some Invaders. Keep that in mind for later in the fic.  
3. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume Skoodge is just as naive about his mission as Zim is, do you?  
  
Okay? Okay, good. Incidently, I recently found a tape with all the original HHG2G radio broadcasts, and let me just say, you have not LIVED until you've heard Marvin's adorably depressing voice!  
---  
  
A few moments later, SIR led Zim, Dib and GIR onto the bridge, muttered something darkly, then sat in a corner and turned himself off. Three sets of eyes were wide enough that they looked as if they might burst, though Dib's eyes had been that way for quite a while already...  
  
There are many people in this universe that believe there are no such things as coincidences. There are many others who believe there are no such things as socks, though their theories are less respected in other parts of the Galaxy. These people usually reside on Zirtius Twelve, and curiously enough, all wear socks. They never mention the fact that they wear socks, of course, and if you inquire about it they'll chuckle a little, and shake their heads-or some other upper protrusion-sadly, pitying what they see as a sign of massive insanity.  
  
But back to coincidences. There are many mind-boggilingly absurd coincidences in the universe, even more than ever since the development of the infinite improbability drive. For example, it is a well-known fact nowadays that when Zaphoid Bebblebrox was running for president of the Galaxy, his opponent mysteriously disappeared, presumed murdered. Far from this event lowering his popularity, it skyrocketed, seeing as there were no other candidates to direct it to. Well, it turns out his opponent had mearly slipped into a freak wormhole, the sort of which is everywhere these days, and came out just in time to take over the presidency, just as Zaphiod dropped out.  
  
But forget about Zaphiod, he's perfectly safe now and isn't important to this story, except for the mention that he stole the Heart of Gold, the first ever ship to run on an infinite improbability drive, and put it through excitement and adventure and really wild things. And like all things do eventually, particularly things that have been put though excitement and adventure and really wild things, it broke up and became almost useless and dangerous to run, eventually settling to what it thought would be rest on a planet somewhere obscure.   
  
This planet was soon taken over by the Irken empire, and that persistent ship was put in an Irken storage locker for ships that are to dilapidated, or just to temperamental, to be piloted without resulting in highly probable death for the pilot. Therefore, it was instantly thought of as a way of ensuring the death of Invader Skoodge, thought to be an embarrassment to the Almighty Tallest. What the Tallests didn't realize at the time, is when dealing with a ship with the infinite improbability drive, if it is highly probable that the pilot will die, then it is highly probable that the improbable situation of the pilot surviving will happen. And if you don't believe in coincidences, wait'll you see what transpires next:  
  
"Skooge!" Zim said awkwardly, "I um, didn't expect this." Zim was bewildered. Sure, he didn't know Skooge *well,* but still, the odds of meeting another Invader in a universe the size of... well, a universe, were literally thirty to infinity, which was practically nothing anyway.  
  
"Er, hi." said Skooge, equally awkward. Desperately he tried to change the subject. It wasn't hard. "What's that?" he asked, pointing to Dib, who was currently gaping. GIR began chewing on Dib's foot, who didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Oh him," Zim said contemptuously, "Can't we just shove him out the airlock, or something?"  
  
"What!??" Dib cried. And at the sound of her brother's voice, Gaz entered through an automatic door, holding a handheld version of the complex system in the other room, which had an Irken logo on the back. If Dib's eyes looked like they might burst before, now it seemed that if they did, they would take everyone in the room with them.  
  
"Oh. Hey Dib." Gaz said apathetically. Dib gaped. Zim looked shocked as well, he turned to Skooge for an explanation, who turned to Gaz.  
  
"What?" Gaz asked. Then turning back to Zim and Dib, who were both gaping at this point, she added, "Oh." she paused her game, and continued. "Okay fine, being you, I'm sure you want to know how I got here, and you'll just bug me until I tell you anyway." she took a deep breath. "About two months ago, I was at the Video Funpit looking for Punch, Kick Owies III, when I noticed him-" she gestured to Skooge, "-carrying the most amazing game system. When I asked him where he got it, he said, 'Certainly somewhere that isn't on another planet' Then he stared laughing nervously. So I started asking about how it worked, thinking maybe I could force you to build me one. We started talking, and after a while he told me the-" at this point her voice took on a note of exaggerated sarcasm, "-*big* secret. Two hours later I was here." she finished simply, unpausing her game and punching the buttons furiously.  
  
This, if anything, seemed to confuse Dib further. "But- I just saw you this morning!" he cried.  
  
"That was an android." Gaz said, not looking up "You didn't think I'd just leave the *planet* without leaving something like that behind."  
  
"You'd leave everything on earth, just so you could play more advanced videogames??" Dib practically screamed. Gaz shrugged.  
  
As Dib continued to scream in Gaz's general direction, Zim glared at Skooge. "Hey!" Skooge said innocently, "How was I supposed to know you were on earth? Your mission was top secret, remember?"  
  
"Yes, of course." Zim said, blinking, "Of course, how were you to know about my well-deserved mission of importantness? Well, I don't suppose Gaz would go along with throwing Dib out the airlock. So let's throw her out too!"  
  
Skooge shook his head firmly. "No, I've become very much... accustomed to her being around." he said.   
  
There was something about the low tone of his voice, and the gooey-eyed glance, (returned with a glare) so similar to GIR's expression upon seeing burritos, that made Zim think of a possibility that prompted him to say: "You know what? I really don't want to know. Fine then, where to we go from here?"  
  
"Well, I just heard about the bypass on the sub-etha radio, so both our planets have been demolished, and I figure-"  
  
"Wait, wait, *both* our planets?"  
  
Skoodge grinned sheepishly. "Demolished, turned into a banana fruitcake as a result of using the infinite improbability drive, then eaten by a giant mutant star goat, same difference."  
  
"I... see..." Zim said. And the two Invaders continued their discussion, mentioning several things that Dib would have found fascinating, if he was listening. At the moment, he was far too busy doing this:  
  
"I can't believe you Gaz! You abandoned all of mankind!! You left us all in the clutches of menacing alien forces! You- uf!" Dib was cut off by a forceful kick in the shins. "How could you side with the aliens Gaz?" he continued, standing while rubbing his shin. "How? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?? My own sister! How could you Gaz?? HOW?"  
  
"Dib?" Gaz muttered.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Go stick your head in a pig."  
  
As Dib prepared another string of accusations, Zim and Skoodge finished. GIR stopped chewing on Dib's foot, and looked up to see Zim walking purposefully up to them. A hard look on his face, he made the big annoucment. "We're going to Magrathia."  
  
"Yaaaaay!" GIR cried.   
  
Zim raised an eyebrow. "You know what Magrathia is?" he asked skeptically.  
  
"No!" said GIR, happily.  
  
Zim's eyes narrowed, as he went into back-story mode. (A/N: Y'know, like in Planet Jackers?) "Long ago, when the Galaxy was new, a planet was created for the sheer purpose of manufacturing other planets for the wealthy elite. But the pitiful economic structure of the Galaxy couldn't handle such an industry, and it soon collapsed in a ball of collapse-y doom. The inhabitants of Magrathia went into suspended animation, for as long as it took until the Galaxy's economy was up to the point where they could continue their business... and that's where we're going. To have a new Earth, and a new Blortch made." That said, he spun around and walked out of the room, dragging GIR behind.  
  
Dib, still half-stunned, didn't absorb any of this. "What's going on??" he cried, "Where are we going? Why are we listening to *him*?!?"  
  
Gaz's eyes bulged as she gritted her teeth. "Shut up, Dib." she said. When he didn't she sighed, "We're going" she said simply, "to save the Earth."  
  
"Right, good..." Dib said shakily, "To save the Earth..." he continued muttering that under his breath, over and over again.  
  
While Dib clung to his sanity, Skoodge walked, (*ahem*) smoothly over to Gaz, and whispered something in her ear. She kicked him very hard in the shins and walked out. "Okay," he called, his voice pained, "let me know if you change your mind. SIR, ca- *will* you escort the Earthanoid to his quarters?"   
  
SIR's eyes blinked to life and he turned in Skoodge's direction. "I have a terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side, but do you replace them?" Skoodge didn't see what this had to do with anything, and after saying so, limped out of the room. SIR heaved a sigh that would make lesser beings weep, and all but dragged Dib, still muttering, out the door.   
  
"It's not as if I expect him to, I'm quite used to being neglected. I think if some extremly vital part of my system were failing he wouldn't lift a finger to do anything about, not that I'd want him to." SIR droned, as he led Dib down a hall, and into an unremarkable room furnished for living. As the door closed behind Dib with a whisper of "Glad to be of service," Dib's eyes opened wider still.  
  
"Hey!" he cried to nobody, "What's this thing doing in my ear?!?!"  
  
-------  
  
Next chapter: Dib tries to cope, GIR and SIR interact, and they FINALLY reach Magrathia! 


	5. Culture Shock ::or:: Denial Is More Than...

"Happy to aid you"  
  
"Glad to be of service"  
  
"Thank you for making a simple door happy"  
  
"It is my pleasure to open and close for you"  
  
Dib walked through the corridors of the Heart of Gold with a stunned look on his face. After some of the shock wore off, it melted into an avidly interested one, which in turn, became a bored one as he realized there really was nothing interesting about the many identical corridors found within this ship. He had gone through several stages since he'd arrived, the most memorable of which occurred seconds after entering his quarters. He'd felt something slither in his ear canal, and after a quick mental review of the day's events, he'd put two and two together and it went downhill from there.  
  
He started by clawing at his ears, and screaming "It's in my brain! It's in my brain! IT'S IN MY BRAIN!!" This continued for quite some time, though what he hoped to accomplish by it is a mystery to us all. His panicked screams echoed through the Heart of Gold until someone, (probably Gaz,) sent a robot in to punch his head. After a brief unscheduled nap, (metal hands hit *hard,*) he came to the conclusion that screaming was perhaps not the best method of dealing with the current situation.   
  
He leaned in close to a reflective screen and examined his ear (now very red and raw) carefully. After several minutes of painful tinkering, he managed to extract the leechlike Babel Fish, then hid from it on the other side of the room. When it was made quite clear that the fish had no plans leap up at Dib's face and attach itself to his eyeball, he ventured nearer. He examined the fish from all sides with great interest. It certainly didn't look like anything he'd ever seen on Earth. It was a very odd shade of yellow that hurt his eyes a little, and it wriggled in the weirdest way. After looking at it closely for a while, he did some minor experimentation. He held it about an inch away from his left ear, wincing as it wriggled. Suddenly, he heard what sounded like English, and dropped the fish in surprise. The talking stopped. He strained his ears, but all he could hear was the muttering in some alien language that accompanied the "soothing" music that was piped throughout the ship. (Try as they might, no one could shut it off.) He picked up the yellow fish and held it by his ear again. The voice slowly formed words he could understand.  
  
He decided he'd tolerate it for now.  
  
Presently, however, he was walking throughout the corridors with his ever-changing expression. He was also doing what you absolutely positively should not do when on a strange spacecraft of considerable destructive power whose inner workings you know nothing about and whose proper functioning decides whether or not you survive.  
  
He was randomly pressing buttons.   
  
He reached out and pressed an invitingly large red button on a nearby panel. A sign on the panel lit up, reading "Please do not press this button again." He did as the sign told him. He looked around and pressed another, a green one. The room was washed in red light and panicked-sounding sirens blared. He pressed it again and the sirens and lights stopped. He pressed a third button and a machine shot a stream of something that was almost, but not entirely unlike tea at him, and it was at that moment he decided to stop pressing buttons.  
  
He walked to the end of the corridor when he heard two voices that were, in theory similar but in practice so radically different in tone that any similarity vanished. He peered around the corner to see Zim's freaky little robot, and ... um, that other one too. One was dancing in circles around the other, which didn't seem particularly happy about that. He listened:  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"  
  
"Because I don't WANT to dance with your little moose toy."  
  
"Aww, but Mr. Moosey loves you! Don't you love him too?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But he-"  
  
"NO."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"And I hate you."  
  
"Yay!"  
  
"Are you even listening to me?"  
  
"Yay!"  
  
"Why don't you go play in the vaporizer?"  
  
"I was! Then it starting making funny sounds, and it started smoking and caught fire! It was pretty."  
  
The red-eyed robot sighed heavily. There was no need to do this, as it didn't even process oxygen, but it did so anyway.  
  
"Mr. Moosey still wants to daaaaaaance..." Zim's robot said, squeaking a moose toy in the other robot's face.  
  
The red-eyed robot grabbed the toy, threw it on the ground and stepped on it again and again, then walked away sullenly. Zim's robot started bouncing after it singing the word "Doom" over and over again. /How very odd./ Dib thought.  
  
Just as he was about to follow them, a voice more familiar then his own called from behind him.  
  
"Hey!" Zim said, "C'mon! We've reached Magratheia, and I'm not letting you have this ship to yourself. If there's any luck we'll lose you on the surface." 


	6. Dib Gets Hurt Repeatedly! Yay!

I know some people are lined up outside my door, ready to tear my arms off and shove them up my nose if I don't finish WFA soon, but I don't wanna. Nyah. So stop it, or I'll turn the riot hose on you! I'll finish WFA when I darn well FEEL like it^_~ Promise.  
  
And I found the Hitchiker Tapes in my library, I don't know where you can get any, sorry.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"We'll land here. Zim said commandingly. Skoodge nodded and steered the Heart of Gold towards a barren patch. The two Irkens stood seperate from the others. Any casual observer to the scene would notice a curious discrepancy in traditional Irken relationships. Since both Zim and Skoodge were of the same height and rank, Skoodge should have been the dominant personality due to his ownership of the vessel they were riding. Yet not only had Zim assumed the commanding role almost instantly, Skoodge seemed all too happy to comply.   
  
At least part of this might be attributed to a few of the genetic growth techniques applied to Skoodge as a pod baby. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy breifly mentions the little-known lazer vision experiments of the mediocre Irken scientist Flamn. It then goes on to mention that a group of scientists, using Flamn's studies, once set out to develop an Irken soldier equipped with lazer vision. This was unnecessary, since the standard issue ID Paks contained several lazers more than adequate for self-defense, but they thought lazer vision would be cool. This task proved difficult, however, as Irken eyes were by nature just as unable to withstand a lazer being shot out of them as they would withstand a lazer being shot into them. Luckily, due to an alarmingly fortunate coincidence, there existed at the time a line of SIR Units with organic matter as a part of their makeup. By incorperating part of the SIR DNA into a dozen Irken Smeets, they hoped to fix the problems involved with the eyeballs melting.  
  
The result was a dozen shorter-than-average Irkens without lazer vision and with servile personalities. The experiment was deemed a failure, and the smeeets were allowed to enter society where they would be dubbed: "Those dorks with no lazer vision."  
  
To Skoodge, as to any Irken, the circumstances surrounding his origin and Smeethood were very inconsequential. It should still be noted, however, that one month after Blortch was eaten by the Star Goat, the first lazer test subject, Ooblek, managed to blow up a building with his eyes. No further such incidents were recorded.  
  
The ship touched down and the six made their way across the planet's surface. It was cold, it was grey, it was unpleasant. At first it was shockingly dull, then, as one grew adjusted to the terrain it became more of a repetitive nothingness, finally degrading into all-out tedium. After that it went into a bit of a lull. All in all, certainly not deserving of the reaction Dib was giving it.  
  
"Wow!" he repeated for the eighteenth time. "This is incredible!"  
  
"Awfully easily impressed, isn't he?" Skoodge muttered. Zim just scowled. Not even GIR's amazingly high pitched and wildly inaccurate version of 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' lifted anyone's mood. Certainly not SIR's.  
  
"I realize I'm not able to feel temperature, but nevertheless I'm cold. Not that I'd have suggested staying on the ship. I truly despise that vessel, and being alone on it would be miserable indeed. I despise being alone, the only thing worse is being with other people. Are you lost?"  
  
"Do not question my navigational skills, robot! I am ZIM!"  
  
"So you've mentioned. Then I suppose you've been trying to avoid the entrance?"  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"The opening in the planet's surface that leads to the interior. The one you've been wandering in circles around for the last hour." SIR gestured to a small crater several yards away. "You've not yet approached it, so I assume you were trying to avoid it" he finished, in a voice dripping with sarcasm.  
  
They approached. Inside the crater was a large crack in the ground, as well as what appeared to be the rotting skeleton of a sperm whale. They walked to the edge of the crack and peered into it.  
  
"How do we even know anything's down there?" Dib asked. Gaz answered his question by pushing him in.   
  
"Is there anything down there?" she called. Dib just whimpered. GIR jumped in next, because GIR likes to jump into things. It was clear from the noises that followed he had landed on Dib.   
  
"GIR! What do you see?" called Zim.  
  
"Lots and lots of pretty stuff!" GIR replied.  
  
Zim sighed with measured patience. "Yes, yes, what KIND of pretty stuff, GIR?"  
  
"DARKNESS!"  
  
Zim shook his head and carefully lowered himself in using his robotic legs. Skoodge followed suit. The tunnel was well lit enough that there was an acceptable, if uncomfortably low level of visibility. They looked around. There was a reasonably clear path that they could follow without getting lost, but there was always the possibility that it would branch off later.  
  
"Maybe Gaz and SIR should stay back, in case we get lost..." suggested Skoodge. Zim nodded confirmation. "Gaz!" Skoodge yelled, angling his head up at the crevice above. "Gaz! Can you hear me?"  
  
"What?" Gaz asked from behind him. He turned around. Gaz and SIR were standing quite calmly inches away from him. He gaped. "We used the elevator." Gaz said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"Pineapples!" GIR suddenly screeched, clamping onto Dib's leg because he is GIR. Dib screamed and tried to shake him off, falling into a gigantic pile of rocks and rubble which tumbled over, causing the entire tunnel to shake.   
  
Gaz shook her head. "Maybe YOU two should stay guard. You'll be away from us then."  
  
"But..." Dib protested, "I want to see what this place is like! You can't expect me to spend my first day on an alien planet sitting around next to a whale skeleton! Where did that whale skeleton come from anyway?"  
  
"You will do as you are told, Dib-slime, or suffer the wrath of ZIM!" Zim cried, shifting into a glare.  
  
"And another thing!" cried Dib, returning the glare, "I'm not taking orders from HIM!" Dib pointed at Zim and gritted his teeth on the last word.  
  
"You horrible, wretched human!" Zim shouted.  
  
"You.. uh..." Dib faltered.  
  
"It's hard when you can't say 'alien,' huh Dib?" Zim said smugly.  
  
"Shut up, you horrible... jerk!" cried Dib. "I don't need to take this! And no force in the universe is going to make me stand guard for you!"  
  
Predictably, it was at that moment that GIR entered one of his random fits of jumping on heads. He latched onto Dib's trademarked hair spike and swung around shouting "Weeeoo, weeeoo, weeeee!" Dib cried in pain and tumbled backwards into the elevator. Gaz smiled slightly and hit the 'up' button. Dib and GIR were now on the surface.  
  
"Well?" Gaz asked, "Are we going to stand here all day, or are we moving?" 


	7. Magrathiea

Yes, I am still not dead. I'm also very sleepy, but I'll write this intro and get it all  
uploaded if it's the last thing I ever do anyway.  
  
It occurred to me how long the book version of this would be, since I'd want to do the entire series, not just the first book. Aside from the smallish differences, there are basically four versions of the story: The book version, the TV version, the radio version and the comics version. The book version is too long for me to recreate here and I haven't read the comics yet. This leaves me with the TV and radio versions, and since the TV one is more recognizable, I'm gonna do that. For those of you who haven't seen the TV show, it's basically an extremely condensed and spliced version of the first two books. That way I can finish this, AND if I ever feel like doing a sequel I can just add the last three books on. Okay? Okay.   
  
No own. No mice were harmed in the making of this fanfic.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Well, I hope you all have a perfectly miserable time!" Dib called over the edge once he realized the others were leaving without him.  
  
"Don't worry," came SIR's voice, already fading into the distance, "we will."  
  
"Deja vu! Deja vu! I gots me some deja vu!" screamed GIR, breaking the fourth wall.  
  
Dib sighed and slumped against a nearby rock. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. What a day it had been for him. First his planet was demolished, which alone is more than enough for a person to handle in one day. Then he got to run from hordes of giant rubbery aliens through a maze of dank corridors. Then, of course, his head popped off his neck and started floating away towards a group of pink fish. And then he got to learn that his sister had really been an android for the past few years. And let's not forget there was a fish in his ear. Or, of course, his fun-filled experience of being shot into space to asphyxiate and-  
  
Wait a minute. Something suddenly seemed wrong to him. He pondered the idea for a moment. Weren't you supposed to explode or implode or something like that if you get shot into space? Wasn't the temperature in space absolute zero, shouldn't every molecule of water in his body have turned into ice? How was it he had managed to stay alive for twenty-nine seconds before he had been picked up? A look of anxiety and extreme puzzlement crossed his face.  
  
GIR suddenly noticed Dib's despondent posture and decided it would be a good idea to cheer him up. The next few minutes passed in something like this:  
  
"I's gonna do a happy dance and sing!"  
  
"AAAAAH! GET OFF MY HEAD!!"  
  
"I love you too, Dibbah! HUG TIME!"  
  
"Plebghase taghkge yohmur hgbanbds oghff ohf mbgy moghuth..."  
  
"Oooooke-doo!"  
  
"GASP! ...Um. Thanks."  
  
"No sweat fishing net! I likes your toes!"  
  
"..."  
  
"I'm gonna sing you my happy song now! Hhhaack, cough, cough, ack, kack..."  
  
"..."  
  
"I like toes, toes like me, toes are cool AND I'M GONNA EAT 'EM!"  
  
"ARGH! LEGGO MY FOOT!"  
  
"LEGGO MY EGGO!"  
  
"STOP BEING SO CRAZY, WHY DON'T YOU!?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
With that, GIR stopped chewing on Dib's foot, jumped off his head, and went to sit quietly on top of another rock. Dib stared at him.  
  
"You're a very strange little robot, you know that?"  
  
"I do." GIR grinned unnervingly wide.  
  
Dib shook his head. Just another thing for him to deal with. It occurred to him how comparatively well he was handling all this and gave himself a mental pat on the back.   
  
...He was fairly well deserving of it. Aside from the slightly above average amount of screaming he had been doing today, more or less the only ill effect of it all was that the constant stream of new information and challenges he needed to absorb had made him easily distracted, so much so that he had now forgotten all about the curious way he had survived being shot into space. Dimly he wondered how the others were doing.  
  
In fact, the others were doing about as well as he was. They all were growing fiercely irritated. Gaz by the fact that she couldn't see her Irken Gameslave's screen as well in the dark, SIR by the fact that, against all his wishes, the universe was continuing to exist, and the other two by the fact that the they had been walking for what seemed like an eternity without any noticeable change in the tunnel.  
  
"How long have we been walking?" Skoodge wondered out loud.  
  
"Four hours, seventeen point eighty-eight minutes." Droned his SIR.  
  
Zim grabbed his head and growled in frustration. "And we haven't seen any sign of life yet! Why isn't there life on this stupid dead planet!? Huh?!" He turned to the others. "HUH?!" Zim swiveled and continued to stomp forward.  
  
It's very well known, though often ignored, that the universe has a sense of humor. Though few people realize the magnitude of this. One particularly interesting example which is illustrative of this point is The Great Bloody Wars of Ultravenus Seven, which were fought entirely with creme pies and seltzer bottles. In fact, these items are acidic to Ultravenusians, and therefore very sensible weapons. And the traditional battle dress consisting of a rainbow wig, frilled collar and large red rubber shoes is just a coincidence.   
  
These coincidences, however, are so staggering and so numerous that there is now a faction of people dedicated to studying this phenomenon. The Straight Beings, as they call themselves, (Changed from the politically incorrect "The Straight Men,") have formed the theory that somewhere outside the universe as we know it is an alien intelligence which isn't actually sinister, but very callous and indifferent regarding what happens to us. They largely believe that the universe was most likely created for entertainment purposes by a higher being with too much spare time. There are three major denominations which have different theories regarding what this being is actually like. One denomination believes the universe was created by an extremely large and jovial Englishman. Another feels it was created by a stylish, bespectacled man with a Mexican heritage. The third denomination is the most despondent of them all, and they believe the universe was created by a bookish highschool girl from Chicago.  
  
These theories are not widely accepted, particularly since no one knows where England, Mexico or Chicago is. Their philosophies in general are usually labeled as probable, but very depressing and are largely ignored. Moderates tend to agree that if the universe DOES have a sense of humor, it's certainly a very dark, morbid one. As for The Straight Beings themselves, they were all wiped out by a virus contracted from a rubber chicken. Were any of them alive at the time, they might have found it interesting, though not at all surprising, that as soon as Zim had uttered those words, robotic guards sprang out, knocked everyone unconscious and dragged them away.  
  
Meanwhile, on the surface, Dib was taking a walk. He had told GIR to stay behind and count the boulders. It wasn't that he expected him to obey for more than a second, but he assumed (correctly) that by the time GIR got bored counting his attention would be captured by some random object. Hopefully by the time GIR decided to go looking for Dib he would be well out of sight. He'd return to the entrance when he darn well felt like it. Right now he was enjoying the scenery. There was a rock, and... another rock, and a very large rock and... alright, maybe there wasn't much scenery to enjoy, but he needed to clear his head and think about something. The words "Explosive decompression" drifted through his mind in search of something to connect to.  
  
A dramatic, ominous voice shattered his thoughts. "You picked a cold night to visit our dead planet, Earthenoid."  
  
Dib turned to see a man whose appearance evoked images of Moses and Sauraman, and whose voice was appropriately monumental for both. "Who are you?" he asked.  
  
The man's face was distorted with distaste. With hesitation, he replied: "...Slartibartfast."  
  
"My name's Dib."  
  
"Ah. That explains why you didn't make a joke." Slatibartfast grabbed Dib's arm with surprising strength. "You must come with me. There are unbelievable matters which concern you." he said urgently.  
  
"Wait!" Dib cried, pulling his arm back. "Where am I supposed to be going?!"  
  
"I'll explain it all in the shuttlecraft, come."  
  
"What about GIR?"  
  
"What about what, Earthenoid?"  
  
Dib paused, but decided to drop the subject. He really shouldn't care what happened to Zim's robot, but... he really was adorable. "How did you know I was an Eartheno- That is, how did you know I was from Earth?" he asked, getting into the shuttlecraft.  
  
"For you to know that, I'll have to explain from the begining" Slartibartfast intoned. Dib settled back. While Slartibartfast spoke, the craft started and flew deep into the bowels of Magrathiea.   
  
"Well, first of all, you should know that what you call planet Earth is actually a giant supercomputer run by mice." This wasn't one of the things Dib had expected to hear, but he kept silent and listened. "You see, what you see as mice are actually pandimensional hyperintelligent beings. The little white things are just the way they look in our dimension. You see, they had build a giant computer to calculate the ultimate Answer to life, the Universe and everything in hopes of attaining fulfillment. After seven and a half million years the computer came up with the answer of forty-two, and so an even bigger computer was built to find out the question so the answer would make sense. That was the Earth, you see. Then the Vogons destroyed it all minutes before the program was completed. Messy business. And you were a part of it, you see."  
  
Dib wasn't at all sure how to react to that and he said so. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Not at all, these things can't be helped. Anyway, they were thinking of making another Earth based on recent diagrams of it so that it would be exactly as it was four weeks before the Vogons destroyed it. But now they've put it on hold for some reason that has to do with you. Ah, here we are."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"The council chamber. You're going to meet the mice."  
  
"...Oh." 


	8. Squeak, I Tell You, Squeak!

"Goodbye then. Hope you can fix that problem with your head."  
  
As the shuttlecraft sped off Dib was suddenly filled with the desire to whack it with something, which surprised him. He was experiencing what most adolescent male humans go through almost daily, the need to destroy whatever you can't cope with. This had never happened to Dib before, because he had never encountered anything he couldn't cope with before. But the fact that, on top of everything else, Slartibartfast said that without Dib having ever told him about his head-size issues... that was just too much. But since there was nothing to whack the shuttlecraft with and it was too far away top whack anyway, he just took a few deep breaths and turned to walk into the council chamber.  
  
There he saw his sister, his enemy, an alien, a robot and two mice eating some strange purple food.  
  
He walked back out.  
  
He took several more deep breaths, walked in again and sat down.  
  
"Glad you could join us, Earthenoid," said one of the mice, "I like your glasses."   
  
At this point Dib wasn't even surprised. "Thank you. Why am I here?"  
  
"Yes, well, that's exactly the problem isn't it? It's what we're looking for" the second mouse replied.  
  
"No, I mean here in this room."  
  
"Oh, yes, of course." chuckled the first mouse. How a mouse can chuckle will remain forever a mystery. "Well, you see, as a last generation product of the Earth project, we think the Question might be imprinted in your brain."  
  
"...And they want to buy the question." finished Skoodge.  
  
"No, no." said the second mouse, "It's his brain we want to buy."  
  
Zim grinned. "Fine with me."  
  
"For lots of monies, right?" asked Skoodge  
  
"I suppose you expect me to care." SIR muttered  
  
"I CARE!" exclaimed Dib.  
  
"...And so do I."  
  
Everyone turned to stare at Gaz. Even the mice who hadn't even seen her before seemed to sense some spooky power in her words.  
  
"We could replace it with a mechanical one, if that's important." The first mouse said hesitantly.  
  
Gaz considered this. "Would it have an off switch? And a volume control?"  
  
"If you like"  
  
"Isn't anybody going to ask what I think?" cried Dib. No one responded.  
  
Gaz looked contemplative for a while. "No. I think I prefer Dib the way he is. Well, prefer is such a strong word, but still... no deal."  
  
Skoodge looked like he was about to protest, but one look from Gaz both silenced him and caused him to shield his groin. Zim also seemed hesitant, but it had occurred to him that if the mice had the question, they would have no reason to build another Earth, which would be bad for him. SIR just didn't care about anything. One by one they started to get up and leave.  
  
"Wait a minute!" The mice screeched, "You can't just leave us!"  
  
They proved the mice wrong by just leaving them.  
  
"So now what happens?" asked Dib in the security elevator.  
  
"They'll try to find a way out of it for a while, but eventually they'll have to build another Earth" said Zim.  
  
"And with the money they'll get from that order, they'll have just enough to start advertising without decreasing their personal funds, meaning Magrathiea will soon be taking orders again." added Skoodge "So I'll be able to have a new Blortch made."  
  
"And I'll be able to destroy the Earth! ...Again." Zim cackled.  
  
Dib was upset. He certainly didn't want Earth to be re-created just so it could be put in danger by Zim. "Is there any way I can stop that?"  
  
"Yes..." grinned Skoodge, "Go back there and sell them your brain."  
  
Upon hearing that, Dib was suddenly filled with optimism if he just kept to himself about this issue things would work out for the better. He turned to Gaz. "Well, at least I have you, my sister standing by me the whole time."  
  
Dib's grunt of pain as Gaz punched him in the stomach was drowned out by the emergency sirens that suddenly went on at that moment. "Warning!" they blared, "Life support fault in sectors 1, 2, 3, 4-- Oh Zarquon, we're all going to die!" The alarm system, which happened to be a very sensitive computer system suddenly broke down sobbing. The elevator lurched violently. Everyone but SIR immediately rushed to the control panel. Skoodge popped the cover off to reveal the circuits they were obviously in bad shape.  
  
"What could have caused this much damage?" muttered Skoodge. If he could see on the surface of the planet, he'd know exactly what caused that much damage. He'd have also know how much trouble the air vents which led up to the surface of the planet can cause, especially when said surface is inhabited by a hyperactive little white and cyan robot. But he couldn't and he didn't and he didn't care at the moment. "What do we have here, Gaz?" he asked.  
  
Gaz looked it over. "Electronic stuff is more your area Dib."  
  
Dib only had to glance. "This stuff is completely foreign to me!"  
  
"Well, once again it's up to ME to save the day. Gaze as I do so!" Zim pushed the others aside and set to work with confidence. Then with uncertainty. Then with fear. After a few minutes, using a tone that was far from humble, much much less boisterous and therefore so terrifyingly indicative of the gravity of the situation, he turned around and said "SIR? Come take a look at this."  
  
Everyone cleared the way for the tiny white robot. With baited breath the hovered over him as he inspected the control panel. Their eyes filled with hope as he opened his mouth and spoke. "There's nothing we can do. This elevator is about to explode."  
  
Everyone started talking at once, Skoodge and Zim fiddled with the half-connected circuits "Don't waste what little time you have," said SIR, "I can't fix it and I'm infinitely more intelligent than both of you." They didn't listen.  
  
"So this is it. We're going to die." Gaz breathed.  
  
"Death..." muttered SIR, "Well, it beats the alternative."  
  
Dib felt strangely at ease. "After this," he said, "things can only get better." 


	9. And Then They Exploded

To Invader DOOM: Yes.  
  
To everyone else: Heya. Since they don't really cover how or why the main characters get to Miliways, I don't really know how that works. I could, of course, make up some pseudo-scientific treknobabble to explain it. (We sci-fi geeks have the power to do that, y'know.) But that would be cruel. I'm just gonna just say it was a space-time anomaly. Of course, everyone else here who reads sci-fi knows that the phrase "space-time anomaly" is code for, "whoops, we couldn't think of a way to explain it." Yeah.  
  
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The thing about massive explosions is they more often than not, result in death. When a person is moments before death, via a massive explosion, it is often good for that person to reflect upon how life has been kind, fulfilling and generally pleasant to them. If this has not been the case, and life has in fact, been quite cruel to the person in question, he or she can still take comfort in the fact that it won't be troubling them very much longer.   
  
Thoughts similar to these were altogether absent from the minds of the elevator's five occupants, who chose to instead meditate on concepts like: "Holy flaming Jesus!" and, "Crap! Crap! CRAP WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Whether this is a healthy way to deal with such as situation is up for debate. But while Jesus may or may have not been both holy and flaming, we can say for certain that the phrase "Crap, crap, crap we're gonna die" was most thoroughly inaccurate. For the individual responsible for that thought found himself, minutes later, regaining consciousness on a fairly tacky tangerine carpet, along with his four companions. This just goes to show how jumping to conclusions in a near-death situation can result in embarrassment, should one survive.  
  
"My... head" Zim rubbed his temples.  
  
"Snnx... mmm... just five more minutes, Gaz..." Dib muttered, turning around in his semiconsciousness.  
  
"Wow... that was a new- SIR!" Skoodge cried, leaping up suddenly and bending the little robot's still form. "Um, he might be damaged..." he muttered, attempting to save face. Skoodge opened up a panel in SIR's chest, and within a few minutes, red light ebbed into his eyes, and he stood.  
  
SIR turned to his master. "Why did you have to wake me? I was having the most miserable dream. I know robots don't dream but even that's better than being here."  
  
"Where is 'here?'" Gaz asked.  
  
"The Universe." intoned SIR with an air of hopelessness that would make a thousand goths green with envy.  
  
"That is a good question, though..." Zim muttered, looking around.  
  
"I don't think I've ever been here." Skoodge added.  
  
"This may sound like a stupid question, but didn't we blow up just a few seconds ago?" asked Gaz.  
  
"Yes." SIR said, Gaz turned to him, "That was a stupid question."  
  
"Ah, abuse." Gaz said apathetically.  
  
"Yes." replied SIR. Meanwhile, Zim had kicked Dib awake, allowing him to express his opinion on the situation. Zim was still not finished kicking Dib, however.  
  
"Ow! Will you quit it?! Act your age, whatever the heck that is." Dib snapped at Zim. "You know, the fact that there isn't a scratch on any of us kinda takes credence away from the 'we were blown up' theory." he pointed out.  
  
"Silence! If I say we were blown up, then we were blown up!" Zim replied.  
  
"*I* said we were blown up, stupid." said Gaz.  
  
"Oh, yes, of course, yes." Zim regained composure. "You're right then, we weren't blown up."  
  
"Where... are we?" Dib had just noticed his surroundings, and was understandably impressed. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe was designed to both impress and baffle, while simultaneously loosening the grip on a few choice wallets. Every inch of every surface was encrusted with jewels, glitter and mirrors, surrounded by floating holograms and artificial pheromones, and illuminated by the shocking ultrablu lighting.  
  
"I think I've heard of this place before." Skoodge searched his memory. "It's called... Miliways."  
  
"Yuk." Said Gaz.  
  
"It is kind of flashy, isn't it?" Skoodge admitted.  
  
"That's like saying the Atlantic Ocean is 'kind of deep.'" Gaz replied.  
  
"Huh?" Skoodge and Zim said at once.  
  
"It's incredible..." Dib was delighted. The colors, sounds and atmosphere were overwhelming and beautiful in their way. This was the only positive experience he'd been able to associate with space so far, and he was enjoying it.  
  
"Yes, yes, everything's incredible." Zim said dismissively, "But how did we get here?"  
  
"Space-time anomaly?" Someone suggested.  
  
"Sure, fine."  
  
"The real question is, how do we leave here?" Gaz asked. The enormity of the fact that they no longer had a spaceship washed over the five of them. As if in answer to their question, the phone behind them suddenly rang. Automatically, Dib answered it.  
  
"...Hello?"  
  
"HI DIBBAH!!!"  
  
"Yah!" The volume and pitch of GIR's scream sent Dib reeling backwards, clutching his ears in pain. Zim retrieved the dropped phone and put it to his head. He immediately winced and moved it a few inches away.  
  
"Hi Master! YOU'S ON TV!"  
  
"What are you talking about, GIR?"  
  
"I can see you, say HI!"  
  
"No. What do you mean, 'on TV'?"  
  
Back on GIR's end of the line, the cute little robot was sitting in a room filled to the brim with monitoring screens, showing various parts of the restaurant. Clearly, it was the hub of the security system. "It's shiiiny..." GIR reasoned.  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"SHINY!!!" A string of squeals erupted from the phone. Zim could take no more and hung up.  
  
"That was GIR." He mentioned.  
  
"GIR? You mean he's been waiting on this planet for millions of years for us?" Skoodge said in mild disbelief.  
  
"I can't imagine why he'd want to do that." SIR said.  
  
"But where is he?" asked Gaz.  
  
"Behind there." SIR pointed to a nearby door. The scanners in his eyes had evidently locked on to GIR's ...unique brainwave pattern.  
  
The others gaped at him. "How-" Skoodge began.  
  
"Oh, didn't I tell you that I have a brain the size of a planet? Seems like the sort of thing I'd say, though I wouldn't expect you to listen to- Oh, God I'm depressed..."  
  
A few minutes later, they were all reunited again. 


	10. So Long, and Thanks For All the Reviews

Honesty: I didn't enjoy writing this chapter. I was mostly going through the motions to finish it. I hope you can enjoy reading it, though. I hope that hasn't changed.  
  
After When Fangirls Attack is finished, I'm gone. Love you all. No own. Peace.  
  
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There were a lot of odd sorts that ate at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Couples who'd fused themselves to each other's bodies for the weekend. Large, purple executives and Disaster Area tax philosophers. Then of course, there was the occasional crowd of demons from the Beezlemorf planet. All in all, a pair of humans, two Invaders and their SIRs, odd combination they may be, don't automatically draw much attention. This was good for them, as they had entered the parking garage to steal a ship, and didn't wish to be noticed.  
  
Unfortunately, they weren't the only ones in the area with that intention, not by a long shot. As a matter of fact, the parking garage was full of aspiring shipjackers. The lax security and size of the garage had drawn them like flies. This resulted in most patrons of Miliways hiring armed guards and installing complex alarm systems, which was certainly bad for our heroes. Many of the beings there who came to pick up someone else's transport were experienced hijackers, who at least had half a chance getting past the systems. However, the familiar sixsome were having trouble with that feat.  
  
Worse still, although they didn't stand out much physically, their behavior was beginning to attract considerable attention. GIR was leaping from ship to ship, singing jump rope songs very poorly. SIR glared after him, shoulders slumped, occasionally casting passers by a glance of infinite loathing. Zim was ordering Skoodge around while Dib admired every ship with wonder. They were all making quite a lot of noise and essentially doing exactly what you don't want to do when you're about to steal a spaceship.  
  
"I think we've been noticed..." Dib knew he was stating the obvious, but he only did it for effect. Several people had paused in their activities to stare at the six, and Zim had clearly noticed.  
  
"That ship doesn't have any guards around it..." whispered Skoodge.  
  
"And that doesn't seem suspicious to you?" muttered SIR. If anyone had heard him, they ignored him.  
  
Zim gestured. "Let's go." He walked inside, followed by Skoodge, Dib, SIR and GIR. His eyes bulged in surprise to see Gaz already there.  
  
She shrugged. "Took you long enough."  
  
"How do we even start this thing?" Dib asked. Almost as if to answer him, the control panel lit up and the machine came to life. It immediately began it's journey through time and space, to an unknown destination...  
  
It is common knowledge among fans of Disaster Area that it's trademark stunt craft, the Black Ship, has been imitated, duplicated, and generally ripped off by dozens of Insanely Heavy Metal bands over the years. In fact, before Disaster Area's breakup, most art critics had already discounted the idea of flying a black ship into a nearby sun as cliché and dated. Still, the lure and the spectacle made the gimmick die hard, and many bands still use the campy craft. Of course, it's such a trademark by now that no one would ever be stupid enough to try and walk off with it. This is why owners of Black Ships rarely put any security devices around it. After all, even if someone did try to take it, well, they'd soon be brought to justice, wouldn't they...?  
  
"Why aren't the controls responding!?" Zim raged, in a voice that seemed to blame anyone within earshot for his problems.  
  
"Maybe you aren't *yelling* at them loud enough." Gaz gritted her teeth.  
  
Dib was examining some of the signs and labels. "How can you even tell what controls what? It's written black on black!"  
  
"That is the standard design for Black Stunt Ships, isn't it?"  
  
All eyes turned to SIR. Skoodge bulged one eye out slightly further than the other. "SIR..." Skoodge said as politely as he could, "Why... how did you know this was a Black Ship?"  
  
"How did I know it was a Black Ship?" SIR's voice filled to the brim with self-pity "He wants to know how I knew this was a Black Ship. Pardon me, I could have sworn I mentioned that I have a brain the size of-"  
  
"What's a Black Ship?" Dib asked.  
  
"Not good!" Screamed Zim.  
  
"What?!" Dib was now alarmed.  
  
"Shiny!" Cried GIR.  
  
"Somebody tell me what a Black Ship is!" Dib demanded, as the two irkens began freaking out.  
  
"Shiny teleporter!" This time it was GIR who attracted everyone's eyes. Sure enough, the piece of machinery he was currently clinging too was an activation panel for a previously hidden teleporter.   
  
Gaz walked up and examined it. "The guidance system is wrecked. But everything else seems to be working..." She took in the looks the other gave her. "I *do* know *some* things about machines, you know." She returned her attentions to the blinking lights on her GameSlave.  
  
"If the guidance system is jammed, someone would have to stay behind and work the controls... but..." Skoodge trailed off. A dark silence enveloped the ship...  
  
"And I suppose you expect *me* to be the one to do it, yes?" SIR broke the solemnity with his weary tone.  
  
"That, uh, hadn't occurred to me..." Skoodge was indignant, "But since you brought it up..."  
  
SIR gave him a stare that was calculated to communicate his loathing for all things Skoodgey, before answering in a martyr's tone that was closer to appropriate than usual. "...All right."  
  
Half of them thanked him profusely and they all loaded into the teleporter. Skoodge watched SIR send them off with a note of regret. He'd always liked him, though he'd never admit it. But he liked being alive just slightly more, so that was that. SIR watched them disappear, to destinations unknown. Five more beings he didn't have to be around, he supposed. He stood at the front of the ship, facing the viewscreen. He watched as the all-consuming orb of the star filled the screen, radiation from solar flares breaking down the life support systems. SIR could survive without them, but he didn't stand a chance against the mind warping heat that was already fusing his circuits together. As his planet-sized brain slowly shut down, he murmured a few amazed words.  
  
"I think... I feel good about it."  
  
...While somewhere out in space, a ship sailed quietly towards it's goal...  
  
...Zim and Dib rematerialized inches away from each other, wearing each other's clothes. Such an occurrence was common among anyone who used a long-range matter transmitter, but it probably couldn't have picked two worse people to happen to. Before they could argue over who would have to give his clothes back first, however, they froze at the sound of voices coming down the hall.  
  
"Don't try to take that apart!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I told you, it's the main guidance system!"  
  
"No it isn't! You just pointed to some random piece of machinery and said it was the main guidance system! You don't even know what the main guidance system looks like!"  
  
"Well, it *could* be the main guidance system, you know! Anything's possible!"  
  
Two oddly shaped aliens had entered the hallway where Zim and Dib were standing. Both of them were immediately recognized as belonging to the same species as the pair Zim and Dib had both encountered a few months ago. (A/N: In "Abducted") Neither of them was pleased with this knowledge. And the aliens didn't seem pleased to see them, either.  
  
"Aiiiiie! We've got intruders, Larry!"  
  
"I told you my name wasn't Larry!"  
  
"Where and when are we?" Dib asked, not really expecting much response.  
  
"Silence, alien! You are our prisoners now!"  
  
"How do you figure that?" Dib asked.  
  
"Silence! This is the Golgafrinchian B Ark, and you are a prisoner on it! You will act accordingly!"  
  
"Look, will you just take us to the captain of this vessel so that we can work a way out of here?" Zim was impatient.  
  
"You are in no place to make demands! Now, you *will* follow us to the captain or be destroyed!"  
  
To say Zim and Dib didn't get along well would be a gross understatement. But despite their differences, they shared a moment of mutual disgust at that time, before following the two aliens to the Command Bridge...  
  
...On said Command Bridge, the captain was fiddling with some tubes of undetermined origin, when the four of them entered.  
  
"Sir, we've found some trespassers luuuuurking around the halls..." it stood there, dragging out every syllable and staring blankly at the captain.  
  
"Good! Drinks all around."  
  
"Listen, we don't want to be here..." Dib said. "If you could just take us someplace where there's oxygen..."  
  
"Silence, prisoners!"  
  
"What is this ship, and what is it's destination?" Zim said in his commanding tone. The captain couldn't help but respond.   
  
"We're going to a far off planet to colonize. You see, our planet was doomed. Very doomed. Doomed like some big doomed thing that's all doomed. So we're going to this other little planet for colonization, mmm..."  
  
"Well, before you get there, would you loan us one of your escape pods?"  
  
"Oh, we aren't equipped with escape pods."  
  
"WHAT?!" Cried Zim.  
  
"Oh yes. They explained it all to us beforehand. We were the planet's elite, you see. And they had to make sure we all got safely to our destination, so they took out the escape pods to make sure no one accidentally left in them. That way, we'll all be in the ship when it crashes on the planet we're going to colonize."  
  
"Crashes!?" Dib screamed. He may not have known much about space travel, but he was fairly sure crashing was a *very* bad thing.  
  
"Yes. But I'm sure it's safe..." he paused. "It would have to be, wouldn't it? After all, why would anyone want to put us, the elite, in danger?"  
  
Dib looked around at the aliens, poking each other with various objects, and other equally moronic things. He couldn't hold it in. He screamed, "You're all a bunch of IDIOTS!"  
  
The captain paused. "Good reason..."  
  
And the ship was hurled into the atmosphere of a little blue planet located on the slightly more unfashionable western spiral arm of the galaxy...  
  
----------------------------------------------Epilogue----------------------------------------------  
  
...Dib glanced around the primitive landscape and sighed. It had been eight months since he, Zim, and the Golgafrinchian idiots had landed on what he later learned was prehistoric Earth. Since then, Zim had managed to command some degree of obedience from the Golgafrinchians. His objective in this was unknown, but hey... it *was* Zim. Maybe all he wanted to do was rule over the pathetic bunch. They were reasonably productive, easily influenced, and too stupid to know when they were being manipulated. They were perfect for Zim, and in their own way, they probably reminded him of GIR. Meanwhile, Dib had befriended some of the local cavemen, and was doing his best to educate and evolve them. It was slow, hard work. But they were ignorant, curious and unquestioning. Essentially, perfect for Dib.  
  
There was still an air of hostility between the old rivals, but it was a cold, apathetic one. Both of them were kept pretty busy with their respective tribes, and very little outright conflict had occurred. The two beings that had never commanded respect in their lives had found their respective niches.   
  
And the centuries ticked by, as they always have, and always will... 


End file.
